Satirically Yours: 4th party voters: feMANists


Rose Fox, Head Feature Editor

The polls are in and after a long gruelling campaign, the fourth party voters can rejoice. That’s right folks, this is the term of the feMANists, and they are taking things to the extreme.

What started out as a slight misconception about the definition of feminism has snowballed into the greatest movement in history. Urban dictionary currently defines feminism as “the belief that women are and should be treated as potential intellectual equals and social equals to men”. However, women are sick of hearing about equality, and instead are headed towards total world domination.

America’s soon to be 45th president from the Fuschia Party, JoAnne Manhater said, “We as women have decided to take back man, and consequently take control over everything.”

Starting this January, new laws will start to become more prominent in this new matriarchal society. Women becoming the man of the house isn’t enough for Manhater.

Thanks to an inside source, some of these new restrictions have been leaked. “It’s not enough for women to simply have power, so in order to assert their dominance, all men will be leashed while in public with their superior,” said Campaign supporter Amanda .

The followers of President Manhater have been celebrating the election of their new leader since Nov. 8, by burning photos of the men in their lives and dancing on the ashes throughout the streets.

“With these new laws taking effect in January, my ex-husband will get what’s coming to him,” avid feMANist supporter Linda Fachina said, “I fully support her claims to deport all men out of the country.”

Manhater won over voters with her powerful tactics. One of the most prominent was her slogan: “Girls rule, Boys drool”. Although the same slogan is often associated with children, women are taking it to heart.

After counting the votes, 46 of the 50 states voted for the Fuschia Party. This is the most unanimous election the United States has ever seen.

According to over 89% of all women in the United States supported and voted for the fuschia party. Claims were also made that some men were joining the party, trying to save themselves in the months to come.

Community member John E. Quality said, “My wife and I agree that me joining the fuschia party and showing my support might help save me from some of the wrath that is bound to come later.”

Other men that have prior shown their misogynistic views against women are now starting to show their support as well.

“As I have always said ‘Nobody has more respect for women that I do’ and i stick to that now that Manhater has won,” said previous presidential candidate Donald Trump.

We have not been able to reach anyone directly in contact with Mrs. Manhater for a comment, but rumor has it all men will be treated equally with the new safety measures being enforced.

Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton said, “Although losing this election was a let down, I fully support the feMANist movement and will put all my energy into helping JoAnne succeed with her plans for the future of the United States.”

So gentleman, start your engines, because there’s a whole new storm headed your way.