Dating Tips From the Pro

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Raeden Shanks, Co-Head Photo Editor

Dating is a truly magical human experience; on any other occasion, getting dressed up and having dinner with a complete stranger is just plain creepy. With homecoming just around the bend, I thought I’d tell you all about my perfect date, just in case any of the men folk out there were getting curious.

First impressions, are, in my book, essential in setting the tone for the rest of the night.

So, Mystery Date, when you pick me up, please be late. I will have spent no less than two hours spiffing up for you, and can imagine nothing better than waiting on my porch for an extra 30 minutes after all that (it will also give my father more time to clean his shotgun).

Unfortunately, I am not the only one who needs to approve my date: you’ll need a few tips to make a good impression on the parents. Their prerequisites for anyone taking their daughter out are, in no particular order: loud, ground-shattering music blasting from the pickup vehicle (bonus points if it has also been used as a getaway car); pointy piercings (everywhere); and last but not least, assurance that you will get me home as late as possible in the noisiest fashion you can think of.

Once the background check is out of the way, the real fun can begin. I always appreciate when gentleman treats me to a delicious dinner at classy restaurant. I could also settle for a casual pizza joint. Or maybe we could see a movie and share some Twizzlers. Or we could just sit on a park bench and eat the bread crumbs people leave for birds.

Dancing at the end of the night is always enjoyable. I’ll make sure to wear my most comfortable, practical dancing shoes―six inch stilettos made of wood―so we can twirl until we puke. When I step on your toes, take it like a man and don’t complain, because I will expect you to carry me to the car afterward; my foot pain will always take priority over yours.

Eventually, the time will come when the date must end and we can run through the whole doorstep drop-off routine, which is not cliché at all. Here’s how it works: you’ll walk me to my door and I will tell you what a great time I had, even if I did consider sneaking out the bathroom window during dinner (the heels wouldn’t allow a quick getaway).

Undoubtedly you will be entranced by my modest good looks and natural charm, and undoubtedly you will want to make a move. Well sir, unless you bought me dessert during our date, the only move you will be making is toward your car.

So get in line boys! Homecoming is swiftly approaching and I need someone to dance with.